


Fear of the Water

by bow_tiedevon



Series: In a Loving Mind of a Person [2]
Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Despression, I am very sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inside Eliott's mind, It is very dark and sad, M/M, Thoughs about suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23428921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bow_tiedevon/pseuds/bow_tiedevon
Summary: For months now Eliott felt like he is walking around with only half of him.Ever since the incident, he feels weird and different.Maybe the incident somehow took a part of him and he will never be able to get it back.aka the story about Eliott's life and his bipolar disorder.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Series: In a Loving Mind of a Person [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1682635
Kudos: 12





	Fear of the Water

_You're dislocated  
Don't be like that  
And you smile when you dive in  
Like you're never coming back  
So hold my body  
Yeah, hold my breath  
See your face when I black out  
I'm never coming back_

_Fear of the water_

Eliott felt like a piece of him was missing. Like someone or something physically ripped it out.

For months now he felt like he is walking around with only half of him. Ever since the incident, he feels weird and different. Maybe the incident somehow took a part of him and he will never be able to get it back.

Maybe this was long time coming. Eliott had no idea and not knowing did not help him.

For weeks now he couldn’t concentrate, he lost his appetite and his drive to do anything at all.

He felt lost and sad.

And for some unknown reason he couldn’t talk to anyone. He felt like a burden. Maybe he was being stupid and acting like a child, but he couldn’t make himself do anything at all.

Sometimes even getting up and going to the bathroom was a challenge.

But somehow, he was still alive.

_Barely._

Every other night he would dream of drowning. He would just swim in the ocean and halfway through he would just give up. His arms and his legs would stop moving and he would take his last breath. Once under water he would just go down into the unknown.

He would feel free and not trapped anymore. He would always feel that somehow, he managed to escape this misery and feel happy again.

And every other night he would wake up drenched in sweat and shaking. Eliott’s throat would always hurt, and his heart would be jumping in his ribcage.

The funny thing was that he loved water. Since he was little his favourite thing to do in the summer was go to the sea or to a pool and just swim. Eliott could spent hours and hours in the water. But since the dreams began, he was afraid of water. It just felt that the water wanted to take him down and drown him.

His whole life was covered with a thick layer of fog and the unknown drowned him. He felt so small and helpless. And this lasted way much longer than Eliott wanted it. For a moment he lost track of months but on one beautiful Wednesday after months of fog and unknown Eliott saw the sun again.

_And it was fucking beautiful_.

He felt alive and he understood that he didn’t need the bottom of the ocean to feel free. He was free now and it felt fucking amazing.

Since then everything went so perfectly and so smoothly. He never felt so good and he did not want it to end. Eliott felt that he could anything if he just set his mind to it. He felt invincible.

He also didn’t eat much, and he slept so little, but now he felt amazing and stronger. Eliott understood that he doesn’t need sleep or food. He can do everything himself just by being himself.

Eliott was so strong and unstoppable. He wanted to do everything and experience everything in his life.

Eliott didn’t pay much attention when he broke into someone’s garden just because they had the most beautiful flowers Eliott has ever seen and he just wanted them. He didn’t care when he skipped school and just left Paris to go somewhere where he hasn’t been before. He didn’t care about the consequences just because he felt so good and unstoppable.

Eliott didn’t care about the outcome not one bit. He ignored everyone in his life and just tried to get everything he could out of his life.

He tried and tried and tried.

Until he had no energy felt in him. Until he physically collapsed, and his body rejected him. Then the flood came back again. Eliott felt burned. Like he had spent too much time in the sun and now the only escape was the ocean.

And once again Eliott was back at the bottom of the ocean. He felt like home, but powerless at the same time. This time around he beat himself up even more for doing all the stupid things he did.

_Why didn’t he have a stop button?_

He was angry that nobody stopped him or told him to stop acting stupid.

_How could he be THAT stupid?_

He felt miserable and small again. The flood got even bigger and the bottom of the ocean got deeper.

This time this fog seemed to last even longer. He lost so much weight that his parents got scared that he has an eating disorder. At least he slept much more and sometimes it seemed that it was the only thing he did. Once in a while sleep made him feel better, when he was not dreaming about the bottom of the ocean.

Also, Eliott was far angrier and more irritated than he has ever been before. He felt like everyone wanted to control him and he didn’t need that. He didn’t need anyone’s help. He knew that he could manage quite well by himself. It triggered Eliott when everyone was up in his business and he got used to shouting at people or just plain ignoring them.

Eliott would spend his time alone and he liked it that way. During this time Eliott learned to be alone even though since he was little he loved being around people. During these years he trained himself to be completely alone. And sometimes he didn’t mind it.

Of course, he had his family, but it still was not enough. He wanted someone closer than family.

And Lucille was that someone for quite some time. She was wonderful, attentive and patient. She helped him trough some bad times and always supported him. She was like a saint. But Eliott felt that he could never fully give himself to her. And it broke his heart that someday he might break hers.

He hated that about himself. Eliott sometimes feared that he could hurt someone and not regret it. This scared him and this was the part that he hated the most. Sometimes he wished that he could take a knife and just cut this piece of him out. He already felt half empty, so one little part would not hurt. 

This emptiness and the two phases followed him for almost 3 years.

For three years he hid himself from the world, he experienced his worst times, but also experienced some beautiful moments with Lucille and his family. Eliott distanced himself from people who wanted to be his friends and just ran. He ran and ran until he couldn’t anymore.

The next two weeks were extra-long. Doctor’s visits, more and more time in the hospital until they got what they needed and Eliott left with a small box of pills that he will be forced to take the rest of his life.

Since then Eliott started to see sun more clearly. But it was not like before. He did not feel to hyped or to depressed to look up. Everything seemed to be balanced out.

He felt like the flood was coming after all.

But this time around Eliott only stood in the ocean with his feet wet but he could take a deep breath and he was very thankful for this. Maybe the water will follow him, but it does not longer shape him and make him do anything.

He was indeed free for the first time in years.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading <3


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